I couldn't sleep all night because I couldn't get this out of my mind . . had to get it out to someone

So I woke up at like 5 in the morning because i couldn't sleep because of the pain . . i haven't slept much at all because of it.
I thought the pain was just the pain of my body aches but its so much more than that.
Why do I cause the people I care about the most so much pain?
I hurt just about anyone I care about . . no matter how long it takes it's inevitable if you come into contact with me then you are bound to get hurt in some way.
I cant sleep because of the tears which come from the knowing that i am to blame for your pain.
I blame myself for everything that happened . . to the people I love the most.
If only i weren't so hard headed and i would've listened to you guys then everything would be fine right now. But its not and its because i can't seem to listen . . being headstrong isn't a bad thing but when it gets other people hurts its the worst thing possible.
I know now that i need to just listen and think and stop acting on impulse because that's what gets people hurt. I could have just listened and did what you said and everything would be okay but i didn't and it's not.
I blame myself for the pain of you. I'm sorry and I love you. I will never again be the cause of your pain.
&& I feel so bad because I can't be with you . . you're so close but so far away.

Had to get these feelings off my chest
my heart is so heavy right now

... everything happens for a reason right??
Well I can't see the reasoning behind this . . .
(But I believe in God) && I know that he will protect you and that there has to
be a reason for this . . I 'll just have to wait && see what
he has in store